0:00
YOU KNOW, AS FUN AS IT IS TO
0:01
WATCH AND TALK ABOUT THE
CONVENTION, THERE IS A LITTLE
0:04
NON-CONVENTION NEWS OUT THERE.
0:09
TODAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT FOX
NEWS C.E.O. ROGER AILES, WHO WAS
0:15
ACCUSED OF REPEATED SEXUAL
HARASSMENT, HAS RESIGNED.
0:21
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE RESIGNATION COMES ON THE
0:26
HEELS OF A FOX NEWS INTERNAL
PROBE.
0:30
(LAUGHTER)
INTERNAL PROBE, BY THE WAY, IS
0:34
ONE OF THE THINGS HE'S ACCUSED
OF ASKING FOR.
0:37
NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT,
ALTHOUGH I SPENT WELL OVER A
0:40
DECADE MAKING FUN OF HIS NETWORK
AND HIM AND THE DAMAGE I THINK
0:46
HE DID TO THE WORLD,
THE NEWS OF THIS MAN LOSING HIS
0:52
JOB GIVES ME NO PLEASURE.
0:53
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY, CAN WE GET THE CAMERA OFF
0:58
ME FOR A SECOND?
1:05
(CHEERING)
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE I
1:26
COULD SHARE THIS LACK OF
PLEASURE WITH.
1:31
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> HEY, STEPHEN.
1:40
>> Stephen: OH, JON STEWART!
1:55
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
2:02
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
2:05
NORMALLY THIS TIME OF NIGHT, I'M
JUST SLEEPING.
2:09
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW ROGER
AILES HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
2:10
HARASSMENT?
2:12
>> OH, I MIGHT HAVE READ
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
2:16
>> Stephen: WELL, HE STEPPED
DOWN TODAY.
2:22
>> HUH.
2:26
JIMMY, CAN YOU TAKE THE CAMERA
OFF ME FOR A SECOND?
2:44
(CHEERING)
>> Stephen: SO THANKS FOR
2:51
STOPPING BY.
2:51
IS THERE SOMETHING I COULD HELP
YOU WITH?
2:58
>> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
JUST MAYBE TALK ABOUT THE
2:59
ELECTION FOR A LITTLE BIT.
2:59
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
3:01
WELL, I'M GONNA JUST NEED
THE --
3:06
YOUR DESK.
3:07
>> Stephen: WANT TO SIT HERE?
3:10
YEAH.
3:11
(CHEERING)
>> Stephen: REALLY NICE DOWN
3:21
HERE.
3:24
>> IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
3:26
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY --
OH, RIGHT.
3:28
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO DO.
3:30
THIS
(CHEERING)
3:31
>> OH, YEAH.
3:44
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
3:47
GOES RIGHT ON THE HAIR.
3:48
>> Stephen: HAVE A GOOD TIME.
3:49
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
3:52
HELLO!
3:52
HOW ARE YOU?
3:55
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> AH, THANK YOU.
4:12
WELL, THE CONVENTION'S OVER.
4:12
AND THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO
DEFENSE HE SAID IVANKA WAS GOING
4:19
TO SPEAK BUT THIS ANGRY GUY
CAMEON'S OUT AND VOMITED ON
EVERYBODY FOR
4:24
AN HOUR.
4:26
THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO HAVE A
VERY CLEAR PLAN FOR AMERICA.
4:33
JAIL THEIR POTENTIAL OPPONENT.
4:35
INJECT RUDY GIULIANI WITH A
SPEEDBALL-AND-RED-BULL ENEMA,
4:36
AND SPEND THE REST OF THE TIME
SCARING THE HOLY BEJESUS OUT OF
4:44
EVERYBODY.
4:45
BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
THAT.TIME ME, I'M JUST GONNA
ENJOY
4:48
WATCHING THE GYMNASTICS PORTION
OF THE PROGRAM.LY
4:51
THAT WILL BE THE CONTORTIONS
MANY CONSERVATIVES WILL HAVE TO
4:59
DO TO EMBRACE DONALD TRUMP, A
MAN WHO EMBODIES ALL THE THINGS
5:02
THAT THEY HAVE FOR YEARS SAID
THEY'VE HATED ABOUT BARACK
5:05
OBAMA.
5:06
>> MOST INEXPERIENCED NOMINEE TO
EVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
5:08
>> ONE OF THE MOST DIVISIVE
PRESIDENTS IN HISTORY.
5:10
>> NOTORIOUSLY THIN-SKINNED.
5:12
STRAIGHTFORWARDLY
AUTHORITARIAN.
5:15
>> A RAGING NARCISSIST WHO HAS
NO GRIP ON REALITY.RC
5:26
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> A THIN-SKINNED NARCISSIST.
5:37
NO GOVERNMENT EXPERIENCE.
5:41
YES, THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE --
BARACK OBAMA.
5:43
(LAUGHTER)
SO RIGHT WING MEDIA IS GOING TO
5:45
HAVE TO SPEND 24 HOURS A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, NOW,
5:47
JUSTIFYING THIS CHOICE.
5:49
CAN THEY MAKE THE TURN?
5:52
THEY ALREADY ARE.
5:56
LET'S TRACE THE JOURNEY THROUGH
THE EYES OF ONE OF THEIR MOST
5:59
TALENTED GYMNASTS.
6:01
HIS NAME ESCAPES ME, SO LET'S
REFER TO HIM AS LUMPY.
6:05
(LAUGHTER)
HI, LUMPY.
6:09
FOR INSTANCE, HERE'S HOW LUMPY
FELT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA'S
6:11
DIVISIVENESS.
6:14
>> THIS PRESIDENT IS THE MOST
DIVISIVE PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.
6:20
DIVIDED ALONG RACIAL LINES, RICH
VERSUS POOR, BLACK VERSUS WHITE,
6:22
OLD VERSUS YOUNG.
6:27
>> CATS VS. DOGS, BATMAN VS.
6:34
SUPERMAN.
6:36
THE ONE VS. THESE OTHER TWO!
6:39
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE BUSINESS
6:42
FOR A WHILE.
6:42
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
ACTUALLY.
6:44
(LAUGHTER)
IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVENESS,
6:53
WHAT ABOUT TRUMP SUGGESTING
MEXICO IS SENDING US THEIR
6:54
RAPISTS?
6:57
IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVE
RHETORIC, THEN --
6:58
>> PERHAPS INARTICULATE, BUT HE
DID SAY, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
6:59
ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
7:00
HE DIDN'T SAY ALL MEXICANS.
7:00
>> AND CINCO DE MAYO!
7:01
HE HAD THE TRUMP TOWER TACO
BOWL!
7:03
THAT IS ONE OF THE HEALINGEST
7:04
MEALS ON THE TRUMP TOWER MENU.
7:08
LOOK, I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON
RACIAL UNITY, BUT SOME OF OUR
7:14
MORE NOTED HISTORICAL LEADERS IN
THAT AREA DID RETWEET WHITE
7:17
SUPREMACISTS LESS.
7:21
LESS THAN TRUMP.
7:24
SO I BELIEVE -- I'M JUST SAYIN'.
7:27
(LAUGHTER)
THEN THERE WAS THE OBAMA CRONY
7:29
THAT LUMPY COULDN'T STAND.
7:30
HIS OLD FRIEND TELEPROMPTY.
7:32
>> PRESIDENT OBAMA, HE CAN'T
READ A SENTENCE WITHOUT A
7:34
TELEPROMPTER.
7:35
HE SLEEPS WITH THE DARN THING.
7:38
>> YEAH, HE PROBABLY SLEEPS WITH
THE DAMN THING.
7:40
AND THEN PROBABLY DOESN'T CALL
IT THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IT
7:42
DIDN'T SAY ON THE TELEPROMPTER,
TO CALL!
7:45
(LAUGHTER)
LUMPY, YOUR 180, PLEASE.
7:51
>> WE'VE SEEN HIM GIVING A
SERIES OF POLICY SPEECHES, USING
7:53
A TELEPROMPTER, STAYING ON
MESSAGE, REALLY WELL DONE FOR
7:55
SOMEBODY WHO HAD NEVER DONE IT
BEFORE. Y
7:59
>> YOU HATE TELEPROMPTERS!
8:01
YOU'RE SAYING NOW TELEPROMPTERS
ARE FOR STUPID PEOPLE!
8:05
AND I THOUGHT TRUMP HANDLED IT
PRETTY GOOD.
8:08
(LAUGHTER)
BUT INEXPERIENCE ASIDE,
8:13
DIVISIVENESS AIDE, THE WORST
THING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA IS HIS
8:14
ELITISM.
8:15
>> BARACK OBAMA IS ANYTHING BUT
MAINSTREAM.
8:17
SITTING IN HIS MILLION-DOLLAR
HOME, CLAIMING TO BE FOR THE
8:18
PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO WONDER HOW IN
TOUCH HE IS WITH THE AVERAGE
8:20
AMERICAN.
8:23
TAKE A LOOK AT HIM ORDERING HIS
BURGER WITH A VERY SPECIAL
8:24
CONDIMENT.
8:25
DIJON MUSTARD?AM.
8:26
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT FANCY
BURGER, MR. PRESIDENT.
8:36
>> YEAH, YOU PROBABLY EAT THE
BURGER WITH YOUR MOUTH, INSTEAD
8:40
OF ACTING LIKE A REAL AMERICAN
AND HAVING A MAGNUM FIRE IT UP
8:44
YOUR ASS, LIKE THEY SERVE 'EM AT
ARBY'S!
8:48
THAT'S HOW THEY SERVE THEM AT
8:51
ARBY'S, THEY SHOOT THEM RIGHT UP
YOUR ASS.
8:54
MEAN WHILE, HERE'S HOW LUMPYAT
FEELS ABOUT THE GUY WHO SITS IN
8:55
A LITERAL GOLDEN THRONE AT THE
TOP OF A GOLDEN TOWER WITH HIS
8:57
NAME IN GOLD LETTERS AT THE TOP
OF IT, EATING PIZZA WITH A KNIFE
8:59
AND FORK.
9:04
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT
GUY?DE >> I THOUGHT ONE OF THE
MORE
9:07
FASCINATING DESCRIPTIONS OF YOUR
DAD CAME FROM YOU.
9:09
YOU ONCE CALLED HIM ON MY SHOW A
BLUE COLLAR BILLIONAIRE.
9:16
(LAUGHTER)
>> THAT'S NOT A THING!
9:23
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW WHAT?
9:28
PLEASE -- IT IS TRUE.
9:29
TRUMP SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY
YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND OWN A
9:30
FLEET OF AIRPLANES WITH.
9:32
LOOK, ALL THAT STUFF IS
SUPERFICIAL.
9:34
AND I'M SURE IT'S EASY FOR
PEOPLE WITHOUT ETHICS OR
9:38
PRINCIPLES TO EMBRACE SOMEONE
WHO EMBODIES EVERYTHING THEY
9:41
SAID THEY HATED ABOUT THE
PREVIOUS PRESIDENT FOR THE PAST
9:42
EIGHT YEARS.
9:45
BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S
INSIDE.
9:49
AND THAT'S WHERE LUMPY AND
FRIENDS HAVE FOUND THE PRESIDENT
9:51
LACKING.
9:53
>> WHO SITS IN THE PEWS OF
JEREMIAH "GD AMERICA" AND
9:59
"AMERICA'S CHICKENS HAVE COME
HOME TO ROOST" AFTER 9/11?
10:01
IS THAT A CHRISTIAN CHURCH TO
YOU?
10:03
HE SAYS HE'S A CHRISTIAN.
10:03
I'M A CHRISTIAN.
10:05
I WOULDN'T GO TO REVEREND
WRIGHT'S CHURCH.
10:08
>> BUT OBAMA WOULD.
10:09
BECAUSE HE'S THE TYPE OF
CHRISTIAN THAT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT
10:11
CHRISTIAN.IG
WELL, WHEN THE POPE SAID THAT
10:17
TRUMP'S TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION
WAS NOT CHRISTIAN, SURELY THAT
10:18
GAVE LUMPY PAUSE.
10:20
>> WHO'S THE POPE TO SAY THATYO
DONALD TRUMP IS NOT A CHRISTIAN?
10:25
HOW CAN A POPE OR ANYBODY DECIDE
IF SOMEBODY'S A CHRISTIAN IN
10:26
THEIR HEART?
10:29
>> YEAH, WHO DIED AND MADE THAT
GUY POPE?
10:34
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NO ONE?
10:39
OH, HE JUST RETIRED?
10:39
I FEEL THAT.
10:41
SO HERE'S WHERE WE ARE.
10:47
EITHER LUMPY AND FRIENDS ARE
LYING ABOUT BEING BOTHERED
10:52
BY THIN-SKINNED, AUTHORITARIAN,
LESS-THAN-CHRISTIAN
10:54
READERS-OF-PROMPTER BEING
PRESIDENT, OR YOU DON'T CARE, AS
10:56
LONG AS IT'S "YOUR" THIN-SKINNED
PROMPTER AUTHORITARIAN TYRANT
11:00
NARCISSIST GIVING YOU YOUR
COUNTRY BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL
11:04
OWNERS.IN
ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
11:06
IT'S NOT YOURS.
11:10
YOU DON'T OWN IT.
11:11
IT NEVER WAS.
11:13
THERE IS NO "REAL" AMERICA.
11:14
YOU DON'T OWN IT.
11:16
YOU DON'T OWN PATRIOTISM.
11:19
YOU DON'T OWN CHRISTIANITY.
11:21
YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T OWN
RESPECT FOR THE DRIVERY AND
11:25
SACRIFICE FOR MILITARY, POLICE
AND FIREFIGHTERS.
11:32
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TRUST ME.
11:32
SAW A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE
CONVENTION FLOOR WITH THEIR
11:36
"BLUE LIVES MATTER" RHETORIC WHO
EITHER REMAINED SILENT OR
11:45
ACTIVELY FOUGHT AGAINST THE 9/11
FIRST RESPONDERS BILL
11:47
REAUTHORIZATION.
11:50
SO I SEE YOU.
11:52
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> WE'RE LIVE.
12:09
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
12:18
>> NEVER BEEN ON A TELEVISION
SHOW WITH STAKES BEFORE.
12:22
SO I SEE YOU.
12:25
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THOSE
REAL AMERICANS FIGHTING FOR
12:26
THEIR PLACE AT THE TABLE?
12:28
OFFER PROBLEM WITH THEM BECAUSE
YOU FEEL LIKE SUBGROUPS OF
12:34
AMERICANS ARE BEING DIVISIVE.
12:38
TAKE IT UP WITH THE FOUNDERS.
12:39
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE
SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN ARE
12:40
CREATED EQUAL."
12:43
RESPECT, LIN-MANUEL.
12:47
THOSE FIGHTING TO BE INCLUDED IN
THE IDEAL OF EQUALITY ARE NOT
12:49
BEING DIVISIVE.
12:51
THOSE FIGHTING TO KEEP THEM OUT
ARE.
12:59
SO, LUMPY, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
HAVE EMBRACED DONALD TRUMP.
13:02
CLEARLY THE C NEXT TO YOUR NAME
DOESN'T STAND FOR CONSTITUTIONAL
13:04
CONSERVATIVE, BUT CRAVENLY
CONVENIENT C --
13:11
(AIR HORN BLOWING)
>> Stephen: SORRY.
13:21
JON STEW